This is pretty odd. I’ve got this book called, appropriately enough, The Odd Index, full of strange facts and unusual tidbits. One of those is a section called “24 Representative “Self-Appraisal” Questions Asked on a Typical State Trooper Job Application”
I’ll write these questions out as they’re found, and then my would-be answers to them if I were intentionally trying to fail the test. Ready? Here we go…
- While driving an automobile, can you move your head from side to side without moving your body?
Sorry, my neck doesn’t swivel, therefore my entire body must turn with my head when I look in any direction.
- Are your arms long enough to hold an Ithaca Model 37 pump-action shotgun steady and perfectly level at shoulder height?
No. I am struck with a condition that makes my arms tremble at the slightest stress. Additionally, my right arm is 1 foot shorter than my right, causing my aim to be badly skewed.
- Can you climb over a four foot high fence?
Are you kidding me? No human being can climb that high!
- Can you enter a window from the top of a ladder?
What? Windows on top of ladders? What kind of ladders are we talking about, exactly?
- Can you climb lengthwise over a full-sized, sedan-type automobile?
Unfortunately, a compact car is the best I can do. Anything else is just asking too much.
- Can you crawl through a three foot by three foot opening?
Hey, hey, I’m not a kid anymore. I’m too big for these kinds of questions, we’re not in a playground!
- Can you change a car tire?
I can’t even butter my bread.
- Could you pull a 120 pound object off the highway by yourself?
Well, I might be able to move it a foot or so. Maybe all the way off the road, provided there aren’t any cars coming down the highway for the following couple hours after my arrival on scene.
- Could you work effectively without regular, structured meal breaks?
If I don’t get my food on time, things can get quite ugly. I wouldn’t advise it.
- Are you missing any fingers or toes?
I’m writing this with the aid of the big toe on my right foot, if that’s any indication.
- Are you missing any arms or legs?
No. Not the full limb, just the hands and one foot as mentioned on the previous question, as well as the aforementioned shortened arm. So, in short, no.
- If required, could you poke someone with a nightstick?
Oh I could do more than poke someone, believe you me!
- Could you kill a vicious or injured animal at close range with a gun?
Sure, why not? And in what order? Injured before vicious or the other way around?
- Would you be able to handle the recoil of a .357 Magnum handgun?
I’ve never tried that before. Hand me one and take about 10 steps back, then we’ll see if I can or not.
- Have you ever been fired from a job?
I’ve never held a job for more than a week straight. That’s a good thing, right? It’s diverse.
- Do you have an uncontrollable need for sleep?
Ahh….not that I kn—…….mm…..wh…..huh? Oh. No, I don’t.
- Do you have any speech defects?
N-n-n-nn—nnnn-no I don’t have any thpeech d-d-dd-defectb.
- Are you a hypochondriac?
No. I just have chronic bronchitis, back problems, gout, scurvy as well as good healthy dose of jock itch.
- Are you afraid of the dark?
Please don’t turn off the lights in the test room, thanks.
- Are you an alcoholic?
Why? Just because all the bartenders know my name does that mean I have some sort of problem?
- Can you precisely move both your eyes in the same direction at the same time?
Sorry, no. My eyes are strangely configured such that one moves in the exact opposite of the other wherever I look.
- Are you afraid of firearms?
You mean this job involves handling guns? Oooh…I don’t know about that.
- Can you resist a bribe?
For $1500 I can, sure.
- Would you be able to resist free meals?
Who can turn down a free meal? Especially with this crazy “no regular, scheduled meal breaks” nonsense.